


days and nights we lost to weakness

by lethargicawe



Category: In the Company of Shadows - Sonny & Ais
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, also i like? randomly switched povs there it seemed right, it was not, kind of, those are all blink and you miss it but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 18:00:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11719584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lethargicawe/pseuds/lethargicawe
Summary: And Boyd laid there, on the edge of sleep, listening to Hsin breathe. He felt the need to say something. Anything. He had no idea what, or if he even could. He settled for the obvious.“Hsin?” he murmured, fighting to speak through the haze of his brain.Hsin turned to him, expression curious, he felt weird for a second knowing that he had all of Hsin’s attention in this moment.“Thank you.”His face softened, he looked away, “Go to sleep.”-Or Boyd has a bad day and Hsin is there to pick up the pieces.





	days and nights we lost to weakness

**Author's Note:**

> this a lot of Projecting on my part so its kind of ooc and scrambled and i have no idea where this actually takes place in canon But, enjoy

It was another bad day.

 

Boyd could tell the moment that he woke up, vision cloudy and head aching, that this day would be too much like all of the other ones he’d been having lately. Days like this, Boyd felt like less of a person, just an empty shell.  A ghost of a person long gone. 

 

Everything was overwhelming, and  _ too hard.  _ Even breathing seemed to take up too much effort. Opening his eyes he stared up at the blank white of the ceiling, color felt muted, as did everything, really.

 

Panic flooded his chest. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Boyd knew, logically that he was in his bedroom, where he had been hiding for days. That he was completely safe, but he felt anywhere but home. And anything but safe.

 

Maybe the wrong thing was just him.

 

Pale light shone through Boyd’s curtains, making his head pound harder.  _ Too much too much too much too much. _ He closed his eyes, trying his best to fall back into the coma-like sleep, the only safe haven from the past few weeks.

 

Dangerous thoughts wandered into his mind and threatened to consume him. His mother, a dirty alleyway, his mother, sick laughing while hands held him down, his mother, hands roaming his body without permission, a dirty alleyway, the feeling of Slide running through his veins,  _ not being in control _ . Boyd felt the itch of  _ dirty dirty dirty  _ beneath his skin _. _

 

Days like this never seemed real, and also seemed much more real than any other.

 

He didn’t feel like he could be alone anymore. He didn’t feel like he could hold himself together on his own anymore. He didn’t think that he could be doomed to have another day like this. His fragile psyche could not handle it. He didn’t think he could muster up enough in him to speak, much less hold a conversation, or be anything more than a lump in his bed. But, the feeling of being completely alone was slowly killing him.

 

Boyd pushed those thoughts slowly from his mind and tried focused on helping himself. His phone informed him it was 11:18 AM, a Saturday, and that he had eleven missed calls. A few from Ryan, more from Hsin. It just served to make him feel worse that he had made them worry. Boyd didn’t listen to the messages.

 

Tapping gently on Hsin’s contact, Boyd hoped that he would answer, he needed to hear his voice. He needed him  _ here.  _ He needed him. As it rang, Boyd mentally prepared himself to talk, swallowing multiple times, it felt like an eternity before Hsin picked up.

 

“Boyd?” Hsin’s deep voice rang over the receiver, a little rushed, like he was moving, and Boyd breathed a relieved sigh, feeling a little closer to Earth. 

 

There was a couple moments of silence as Boyd tried to force himself to talk, “Hello?” Hsin’s movements seemed to have calmed, his focus now on Boyd.

 

“Hi.” He finally rasped out, his voice was worn out from disuse, and sounded the way he felt. The word was so insignificant but it was all he could think to say

 

He could almost see a little tension release from Hsin’s shoulders. “Are you… okay?” He sounded unsure of what exactly to say, and Boyd knew that this was uncharted territory for him, as was most things in their relationship.

 

The simple question with such a complex answer made Boyd feel a tug of irony in his chest. They both new that they were never really going to adhere to the normal standards of ‘okay’. Just sometimes, better, and sometimes worse.

 

“Can you come down here?” He said after another eternity.  _ I don’t think I can be alone right now. _

 

Hsin seemed a little taken aback by his forwardness. “Yes. I’ll be there in twenty.” Boyd could hear Hsin’s movements again and he scrubbed his face as Hsin hesitated, before saying “I… love you.”

 

It was something Boyd already knew, but wouldn’t tire from hearing about it. Hsin gave Boyd a minute to figure out how to speak again “I love you too” he whispered, just loud enough to be audible. His throat was so dry he could barely make it through those last few words. Hsin hung up without another word.

 

Feeling a tiny bit of energy from the short conversation, Boyd changed his clothes and washed up in the tiny upstairs bathroom sink. Then collapsed back into bed feeling exhausted and dizzy from the short exertion.

 

He fell quickly into a restless and nightmarish sleep, only waking when he heard the door slam, the telltale sign that Hsin had arrived.

 

Boyd wished it was more comforting, but his heart was still beating out of his chest, and the sheets wrapped around his legs only served to heighten his panic. He wanted to kick them off, but his body felt a million miles away. 

 

Hsin made his way to Boyd’s door, he could hear every squeak of the floorboards and the thuds of what was a too-fast gait to be casual and despite his best efforts, he felt like he was being hunted. The only thing that grounded him was the soft knock on his bedroom door. 

 

“Boyd?” Hsin’s familiar voice eased his panic a little. Boyd was safe. He was safe. He was safe. He was safe.

 

A panicked acknowledgement came out from him, he needed to calm down, he needed to calm down, he  _ couldn’t  _ calm down.

 

The door opened slowly and Hsin’s familiar frame poked out. His unruly hair and ruffled clothes suggested that he had dropped everything to rush down here. 

 

But now, in front of Boyd, he took his time. Hsin closed the door soundlessly behind him. He paid enough attention to Boyd to know what he needed on these kinds of days. That sometimes he would need space, or closeness, that he would startle easily, small things would overwhelm him.

 

That sometimes, Boyd could be quite fragile.

 

Hsin took in the comforter hanging off the bed and the sheets that were tangled around his boyfriend’s legs and said boyfriend curled tightly in the middle of it, wild eyes making him look like a caged animal and slowed his steps to an even slower rate, trying to be the least threatening he could be. He didn’t know what ghosts had come back to haunt Boyd, but he did know how to not make it any worse.

 

He sat on the floor next to the end of the bed, not daring to get any closer to Boyd, who had started hyperventilating and had freed himself from the cream colored sheets. Hsin didn’t dare touch him, even though he longed to help in any way. Instead, Hsin’s hand sat face up on the bed, a nonverbal way for Boyd to be able to tell him when he was ready. A system that had saved them both a lot of damage.

 

It took what felt like forever, but Boyd’s rapid breathing slowed down gradually, until finally he sat up and gave Hsin’s hand a barely there touch, stirring Hsin from his thoughts. Pushing his hair out of his eyes he sat down lightly on the end of Boyd’s bed, where the younger man had his head buried in his hands. They sat there for a moment before he realized Boyd was crying.

  
It shocked him a little at the thought. Crying wasn’t something that Boyd did in front of him. Or  _ anyone. _ Not that he minded, not much about him could really bother Hsin. It must've been really bad this time. He thought it strange that Boyd had even called him, usually he didn’t want to share any of this with anyone else.

 

He could be kind of stupid sometimes.

A sob choked out of Boyd’s mouth and Hsin was struck with the fear that he didn’t know what to do here. He felt like he was intruding on a private moment. He thought about leaving but was afraid that was not what Boyd wanted. He decided on just sitting there.

 

Boyd furiously wiped the last of the tears from his face and met Hsin’s eyes. He looked even more worn out than he did before and Hsin still had no idea how to help. It was obvious the last of his energy was fading fast, and he was starting to crumple back onto himself.

 

When Boyd grabbed his outstretched hand he pulled him to sit down on the desk. He handed him a clean shirt and wet wash cloth for his face. Boyd felt like this should all be things that he was remembering to do right now but he could barely focus on anything. All he could do was stare blankly off into space. 

 

He washed his face and changed his shirt and sweater with more difficulty than he’d care to admit, then he watched Hsin change the sheets on his bed. Unable to dredge anything up other than the intense need to lay down.

 

Before he knew it Hsin was standing in front of him, Boyd blinked at him for a second, mind completely void of what he needed to do next. Hsin lead him back to the bed by one of the sleeves of his thick black sweater. He sat next to him, leaving a few inches of space between them so Boyd could breathe, but close enough that he wouldn’t feel alone. He was safe. He was safe. He was safe. The words repeated in his head until they meant nothing. Safe safe safe safe.

 

And Boyd laid there, on the edge of sleep, listening to Hsin breathe. He felt the need to say something. Anything. He had no idea what, or if he even could. He settled for the obvious.

 

“Hsin?” he murmured, fighting to speak through the haze of his brain.

 

Hsin turned to him, expression curious, he felt weird for a second knowing that he had all of Hsin’s attention in this moment.

 

“Thank you.”

 

His face softened, he looked away, “Go to sleep.”

 

-

 

Head and heart pounding in too rapid time, he made his way to where Hsin was sitting in the open window, smoking. He peered at Boyd through his eyelashes, gaze slightly affectionate at the sight of his tired boyfriend. Boyd met his eyes for a moment, trying and failing to figure out what he was thinking. His entire body was still shaking but he felt no embarrassment or shame that Hsin was seeing him like this, only the ever-familiar bone-deep tiredness.  _ Besides, the worst was already over _ .

 

Neither of them said a word when Boyd slumped in the empty spot next to him, nor did they when he reached for Hsin’s half smoked cigarette, which he swiftly handed over to Boyd, making sure their hands did not brush, something he was privately grateful for.

 

Boyd took a drag, holding the smoke in his lungs for a second. He never smoked. Ever. But today was different. The tangible thing that reminded him so much of his boyfriend was… comforting, in a way.

 

His still quavering hands reached for a hair tie that had been long thrown on the floor. The movement made the world spin and he leaned against the wall for a second, trying to steady himself. He could feel Hsin’s heavy gaze, knew that if he opened his eyes he would see the little concerned knit of his eyebrows. Boyd was determined to power through this. But, trying to tame the long snarls of his blonde hair into a ponytail with his useless arms turned out hopeless, and just made him want to crawl back into bed.

 

When his hands went slack by his sides and it was obvious that Boyd was willing to let his hair win, Hsin picked up the elastic. He raised his eyebrows at the blonde with a speechless request. After a moment, Boyd turned to let Hsin fix his messy hair.

 

The sensation of Hsin’s fingers brushing out his hair was calming, something strikingly normal, grounding. And he made sure to make minimal contact with Boyd’s actual skin, something that made Boyd feel unspeakably comfortable, Hsin would always respect his boundaries.

 

Hsin took his time with Boyd’s hair, lingering on a particularly large knot before pulling it into a loose ponytail. Trying to control the anxiety still blooming in his chest, the blonde reminded himself that they had nothing but time on their hands. Things would be okay.

 

Having his hair under control made him feel a little more in charge of everything. He found himself pulling his legs up to his chest and curling in on himself, trying to hold onto that elusive feeling of togetherness.

 

Silence covered them like a blanket as they sat. Hsin finished his cigarette and didn’t light another. Boyd could feel every inch of space between them, and what had once become a comfort had at some point become unbearable. He itched for the feeling of Hsin’s skin.

 

Inching forward he closed the gap between them, resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder gingerly. Hsin’s arm wrapped safely around him, an invitation. Boyd shifted until he was laying in his lap. He was already exhausted again. Hsin smiled lightly at him, adoration clear on his face.

 

“Do you need anything else?” Hsin’s hand rested on the top of Boyd’s head, and Boyd felt strangely clingy and affectionate.

 

He didn’t grace it with a real response, just a small sleepy moan and wrapped his arms around Hsin’s waist.

 

A part of him was really angry at himself for being weak, for letting this happen, but he focused instead on the warmth in his chest. He was safe. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! boyd is like way too soft in this fic but....... let them be soft with each other  
> and thank u felix and lauren for being. Amazing ilu both


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